Family gatherings and feelings of being evaluated.
Fear goes up when you feel you are being judged or being evaluated.
This is well documented and experienced.(Schmid & Mast, 2013; Plog et al. 2021;Garfinkel et al. 2014;Fernández et al., 2012).
Job reviews, court cases, getting pulled over for speeding, making a presentation…..you get the idea!
With evaluation and judgement that can come from others; its no wonder that spending time with family during the holidays can generate fear.
When fear takes place we can have different reactions that may be intertwined, twisted, and not perfectly clear
We tend to get in arguments, and/or run away, and/or fawn, and/or emotionally shutdown.
The family structure is often riddled in hierarchy.
Those with the most perceived power seem to be the most comfortable and those who might be struggling in life, well, they often feel judged or evaluated.
These are deep seated patterns that often lead people dreading holiday time and visiting with family. Most people in the U.S. start to see this building up starting November 1 and then suddenly the recovery begins on January 2nd.
I offer survival tools every year because I see how much anxiety and stress the holiday season brings my patients.
Stick with your health routine and self-care routine. Can I say this a million times? Self-sabotage is definitely at risk when we are feeling fearful. You may self-sabotage a bit but make an agreement with yourself that you will stick to at least one of your health practices.
Have an exit plan. Its ok to stay with a friend or grab a hotel instead of staying in a family members home
If your behaviors or choices are being questioned avoid the justification trap of trying to “pass their test”. Instead, just say “ this is something I am trying; I will let you know how it works out”. If you don’t feel safe with someone; don’t go deep with them.
Focus on the spirit of the day vs. the expectation that you will “pass the test”. If its thanksgiving ; focus on the energy of gratitude for all things. If it is a religious holiday focus on the essence/energy/intention of the holiday rather then how much you are gaining acceptance and sense of belonging.
Have a text-buddy that you can vent your frustrations as they are happening. Ask if someone will be back up for you to call/text in case you are feeling deeply upset or dysregulated.
Finally the worst feeling of judgement is self-judgement. Keep a smile turned inside to your self . You may not feel like smiling on the outside but if you can smile to yourself on the inside you will be directing love and kindness to where it all starts…yourself.
It’s sad that I have to mention this each year but its a reality for so many.
Does it sound like I have experience with this? You bet I do! personally and professionally.
For those who found the secret-sauce of the family culture where everyone feels safe, connected, accepted, and non-judged; I say bravo! We all need this vibe.
May we create safety and connection with each other.
If doing this in the world seems daunting then we can at least start with those nearest and dearest.
From my home to yours; I wish you all Happy Thanksgiving and a loving and safe holiday season.